There is no permanence…

I’m a horrible person. At least I think I am.  I had a perfectly happy local relationship, and I had to move to Edmonton, which was the beginning of its demise.  Hair/Einstein and I have been on and off for the past couple of years, and now, it’s (technically) officially off.  His facebook status says so, in the obvious manner of "(My full name) and (_____).  FUCK YOU! AND (_____) YOU’RE FUCKING MARRIED!" etc…

It’s a long story. It involves depression, alcoholism, suicidal tendencies, a seeking for comfort, and finding it in strange places unknown.

(_____) is definitely married.  And also in a polyamourous relationship with his wife. She has a boyfriend.  I’m the long distance girlfriend. And as busy as that is, he has been the shoulder I have cried on many times during my depressive gloom here in Edmonton.  Things are picking up here, that’s for sure, and I’m quite a bit less depressed, and MUCH more busy. But even that hasn’t helped me get rid of suicidal thoughts spawned from an abrupt and tearful/hurtful phone conversation last night with Hair/Einstein.  I mean, it seemed like the logical thing to do, as we were mostly fighting over the phone for the last couple of months, spending hundreds on long distance calls.  But instead of suicide, I turn to Tim Horton’s.

19 timbits later, and feeling especially gross because the water was shut off in my building today, I write and post this short blog entry.   I was going to post a successful soup/spread recipe (secret ingredient is duck), but it seemed relatively inappropriate.

I mourn for the loss of what was once a healthy relationship.  But I know I broke up with Einstein for his best interest.  I can’t offer him anything that he wants (which is for me to break up with my only support network), and he can’t be happy with me wanting both. I was selfish for wanting both. 

I know I did the right thing.  It sure doesn’t feel like it though.  That’s the trouble with emotions, right? They rarely have any basis in logic.